For most of my adult life I have moved, changed jobs, changed countries, changed languages, changed life situations, changed my name, etc. I’m not sure I’ve had ‘normalcy’ since I moved to college. Finally, I’ve realized that all of life is change. I’ve realized that when life is at its most difficult its because you are being forced out of your comfort zone and into a change that you can either grow from or you can step back from in fear. I realize it’s taken me longer than it should have to come to these conclusions.
After six months of life’s newest change in my life has passed, I have been forcing myself to pause and reflect on the result of this latest change.
I find what I am struggling with most at this particular path in my life is how hard to push myself – I find myself asking, how much growth is really happening here or how much of this is pushing just to push? That is, to keep up with the status quo. I feel this constant fight between two interior voices in my head. One says I should be working tirelessly to be everything, to do everything. The other tells me it’s okay to take a break, it’s ok to enjoy life. It’s okay if you’re not perfect.
I think the second is correct. I think I feel a pressure to be everything someone else says I should be, in a constant game of comparisons with every person I come in contact with. What I want for my life is to be uniquely me, flaws and all, changes and constant growth, but in my own time and manner. Along the same lines, I find that I am way to hard on myself. My inner voice is almost cruel with ongoing censures as to how I could be better or how I do not “do” enough. It’s not always about the doing its about the “being.” I am “worthy” just because I am.
I’m not sure any of this makes sense to anyone other than myself, but I’m sending it out there into the great big void.