With change rapidly approaching in one week, I have been preparing for the big change and reflecting even more on this change, willing time to stand still so I can hold on to my little baby just a few moments longer before I start a full time job. This means our daughter will now attend daycare full time, and with great sadness I will not be able to spend long, summer days with her.
To my surprise, I love being at home with her. I love the non-existence of stress from a day job, the freedom to do whatever we want, spending time with my mom so she can see her granddaughter on an almost weekly basis and most of all watching every move my little “chickie” makes because I truly revel in it.
I was expressing my worries to a wonderful friend of mine, and she made a comment that put the situation in perspective. She said, “…It makes sense, Erika. You’re going through mourning…” It’s true. I am mourning the end of a magical era where I spend limitless time with a daughter who I know will grow up in the blink of an eye. She will only live with me for a small time, and she will only beg to crawl on me for an even shorter amount of time, and I can’t help but feel a deep mourning in my soul for the time I will lose with her and a jealousy towards those who will spend the hours of the day with her and surely cannot feel the love I feel toward her! (Yes, I know that socialization is great for children.)
I know how quickly time moves when you’re working – between working full time, cleaning, cooking, paying the bills and family gatherings, our little moments will be scarce. Yes, I know I will still see her every evening and weekends, but what little time in comparison to the leisure days we have spent together this summer! And my greatest fear is that with the fatigue that comes with working full time, I may even start to resent the tiresome moments that come with a little one when I am with her.
The majority of mothers I know work and as a well educated woman, I see the beauty in a career and a life outside of the home. I know working can be a great example to my daughter; however, there has never been anything in my life so important and so special that I have been in charge of before – raising another being.
I do trust that God has a plan for our family’s life and for this reason I am deciding not to allow anxiety into my thoughts. I trust that as everything else in my life, it will all work out. Yet, I am permitting myself this small “Ode to a Mother’s Mourning”, because I specifically do not need reasons to rationalize away or bury my feelings of great sadness or my love of staying home with my daughter. I don’t want to come up with a million and one reasons why this is a good thing. I am just in need of a mourning period, a small validation of the end of this beautiful moment in time so that I may move forward with resiliency because this moment is nearly over, and oh! how wonderful it has been!